It's Christmas Time again

I didn't get cards out for the 3rd year in a row.  I'll just put what I would have put in a newsletter here.  For you.  My two loyal subscribers.

Mark is a Senior this year and turned 18 just a couple of weeks ago.  He achieved his Eagle scout award on November 14th and we'll be having his Court of Honor sometime in January.  He's taken things a bit easier his senior year.  No A hour.  He's grown quite a bit and is much taller than his mother now. 

Brittany and Nate became parents this year.  On January 25th, they welcomed a girl, Makenzie "Kenzie" into their little family.  Brittany returned to work a few months later at Massage Envy, where she works as a massage therapist.  Nate put in his applications to Grad school (PA School) and was accepted to Touro University in Henderson, NV.  He starts in July 2014 and they will be moving there in June.  And taking Kenzie with them. :(  I will miss them terribly.  Kenzie is the most beautiful red haired, hazel eyed baby you've ever seen.

Andrew and Jen were divorced and that became final in March.  Andrew made a job change later in the year, and is now working for Loomis as an armed guard.  He and Jen continue to co-parent Makayla.  Makayla is now 3 and an absolutely delightful little girl.  She started dance this year and loves Miss Wendy's class.

Lee decided to end his employment with SRP this year after 18 years.  He started with another company and they let him go after 90 days.  He started with Edupoint in mid October and he seems to like it there.  He is a software developer.  Lee continues to referee jr. high and high school wrestling.  He started up playing Euchre with some playing groups and does that a few times a month as well.  He spent a week in the hospital in March, and has been in good health since then.

I don't really want to talk about myself.  This has been an exruciating year for me.  I don't really even recognize who I am anymore.  The trials that have been given me have been more than I can handle and won't seem to let up.  I've never been lonelier.  That is all.

I'm really sorry that I haven't been able to send out Christmas cards. It's been all I can do to get the tree up for the grand girls.  The lights are only half way done on the house and they've been that way for 3 weeks. They aren't hooked up to a power source and I'm sure that they'll just be taken down in the next day or two.

I'm looking for a miracle in my life.  I hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas.

More Makayla cuteness.......

I can't wait until Kenzie is old enough to talk.  Suffice for now that she has big grey eyes and a ready smile, and a tuffet of beautiful red hair.

Makayla got up on my lap at the first session on Sunday of General Conference as I was watching it from my phone.  It was right before President Monson was to speak at the close of that session.  He got up to the pulpit and before he said one word, Makayla says, "he's cute."

Yes, Makayla, little Tommy Monson is very cute. :)

The other shoe has dropped.

Lee lost his new job this morning.  90 days was up and they don't even have to give you a half a$$ed reason.  I was released from my Relief Society 4th Sunday teacher calling and called to be the Beehive advisor.  I was also given an assignment to be on the ward youth conference committee. 

Right now everything feels like too much.  Why do my conference weekends have to be ruined?  I hate this year.  I hate it so much.  I just want to run away. 

To say that I'm overwhelmed would be an understatement.  Just.  Kill.  Me.  Now.

I should probably get some boxes.  I don't think we'll survive this one and keep our house.  Or anything else for that matter.

A conversation with Makayla

I was thinking over a conversation (argument) that happened at our house in the not too recent past.  Of course, somehow I was in the middle of it even though I wasn't saying a word.

Makayla-"She's MY grandma!"

Grandpa Lee-"She's MY wife."

Makayla-"My grandma!"

Grandpa Lee-"Your grandma is my wife."

Makayla-"She's my grandma wife!"

There it is folks.  Never argue with a two year old.  You just won't win.

Where do I go from here?

School is back in session.  Mark started his Senior year!  My baby!  This time next year he'll be gone on his mission.  He just completed his Eagle project a couple weeks ago and will be an Eagle Scout before the year is out.  Actually, it will be before December 5th, when he turns 18.  That last sentence was hard to write.

I am very aware of my "lasts" this year.  My last child.  All of my kids grew up way too fast.  It's hard to know what I do next.  I love being a mother.  Raising my kids, I was never more sure of who I was and what I was to be doing.

Now, I'm in a bit of a panic. 

This really has been a terrible year. I was sick for the first part of it, then my husband quit his job.  He got a new one and has been working there for about 6 weeks now.  While I've felt my Heavenly Father watching over me, I've also felt that the other shoe is about to drop.  My sense of security is no longer.  Am I responsible for that? 

I've looked into going to school, but there's just no way working a full time job.  And at this point, what would school prepare me for?  More debt?  I'd like to be able to do some of the things that I've put off while I was raising my children.  Of course, some of it I'll have to let go of entirely as I'm now too old to pursue some of those items on my bucket list.

Too bad you can't go back in time.  There are a few things I would have done differently.

Who's this mopey Moperson?

Imagine my surprise.  I didn't think anyone really read these anymore.  I got a call from a dear old friend the other evening checking to see if I was okay.  I guess if you read this blog lately you'd think that.  I sometimes write when I'm upset.  While still valid feelings, I see where it would cause alarm.

Update time.  I've been praying constantly and my prayers have been answered.  I know it wasn't just my prayers either, and I thank everyone for doing so on our behalf.  Lee got  a new job.  He just started on Monday.  I hope he will be happy there.  I've had a little bit of a hard time reading his reaction to the work.  Could be newbie anxiety or that there is a modicum of confidentiality to the work.  Maybe I'm the anxious one.

Our refi went through.  It only took 7 months and 5 days.  Yes, that long.  It was literally dead in the water and somehow came through.  Oh, and we got an even better interest rate than the one we locked in initially.  I suppose I should mention I was praying about this too.

Mark got his Eagle project!  He's gotten all of his signatures and now it's a matter of him gathering support, some funds, and a legion to carry it out on July 27th.  He will be helping out Noah Webster School on a couple of projects they need done prior to school starting in the next month. 

I have this theory of threes.  You know how people say bad news comes in threes?  Silly superstition really, but I think there is slim truth to it.  I've just given an examply of three good things that have happened.  Within a week, mind you.  I had texted a couple of friends that the next thing that happened would be bad.

Well, it was.  The IRS sent me a nice letter saying that they wanted $500.00 more to account for one of our deductions they were disallowing.  I have until the 29th of this month to pay that.  I think it's funny in light of their scandal.

Maybe next time I post, I'll have a funny to share.  ;)

I'm not a good person....

that's the only thing I can come up with.  I've made some bad choices in life and I am made to pay for them for the rest of it.  That has to be it. 

I'm incredibly lonely.

That is all.

What am I working for?

I've done a lot of crying in the last seven weeks.  I sometimes wonder if anything is worth anything.  You can work hard your whole life, and everything gets taken from you anyway. 

Yes, I'm down.  What else is new?  It's interesting that when you're down, people will kick you.  Right now, I'm not seeing a whole lot of worth in anything I've ever done.  Which really isn't anything.  I'm so angry at everything and everyone. 

I can post this.  No one reads blogs anymore.

What do I do now?

My husband quit his job today.  I'm not sure what to do.  Or if there is anything for me to do.  I feel like I've been stabbed in the stomach about 50 times. 

I've not been supportive in this decision.  I have my reasons.  And yes, I think they're damn good ones if you must know.  There is no job on the horizon.  I'm the only one working and my pay will barely cover my house payment. 

Don't even know why I'm on here.  My conference weekend was completely blown.  Shouldn't be wallowing, should I?  Well I am and I can't seem to swim out right now.

I am grateful for my babies.  Never grow up, girls.

There's a new girl in town!

I suppose I've been on hiatus long enough.  Is anyone still out there?

On January 25, 2013 at 6:47am, Makenzie Olivia Trull was born!  She was 5lbs and 14 oz and was 19 inches long.  I had previously reported to everyone that she was 20 inches long, because that's what I had been told.  Brittany had taken her for her 2 week appointment yesterday and said that she was now 6lbs and 9oz and 19 1/2 inches long.  I gasped and said, "She shrunk?!"  Brittany (looking at me like I'm a crazy lady) says, "What? She was 19 inches when she was born, Mom." 

I could have sworn I was told 20 inches, but then, I was sleep deprived.  Potato, potahto.

This is the picture that made me cry.

That look on Brittany's face as she is looking over at her daughter just kills me.  So much has brought us to this point in our lives.  The two of them looking at each other.  Oh. 

Look how tiny this gal is in her car seat!  We had a brief moment of panic in the hospital when the nurse asked the Trulls if they had a carseat.  Of course they did.  The nurse then said that most infant car seats were rated for an infant 7lbs and over.  We needed to have one rated for 5lbs.  Did we have to go out and buy a new carseat?  I ran home and checked over the owners manual and found that yes, indeed, the one they had chosen was rated at 5lbs and up. Phew!

Look at that sweet angelic face, will you?  She's got strawberry blonde hair and what looks to be like she'll have blue eyes.  She's got long piano playing fingers, and she smells so heavenly.  I tease Brittany and Nate that they better make sure she still has all her parts after I've held her to make sure I didn't bite anything cute off!  I could just eat her up!

And then there is our beautiful Miss Makayla.  She couldn't wait to meet her cousin.  Now, most two year olds would get this close to an infant and push them away.  Not this girl.  She came to the hospital and got to hold her and she never wanted to let her go.  She would ask us to get her a blanket, give me her bottle, give me her "ginkie".  She is a little mother hen!!  She was so disappointed when she got a little diaper and the wipes out of the isolette drawer and wasn't allowed to change her.  It's HER Baby Kenzie.

This is my little Mak attack.  Makayla and Makenzie.  She will go by Kenzie.  Makayla is all about this girl. 

I love my little granddaughters so much, I think my heart just may explode.

The girls I never got.

Funny how time has a way of changing what you think you want.  Before I had children, I vacillated between not wanting any children at all to warming to the idea of possibly six.  I also thought it might be fun to be the mother of all boys, thinking my husband would take said boys on campouts and outings that were too rugged for girls.  I would have a coveted night with some girlfriends and do girly things.

Then I got my girl.  My Brittany girl.  I was so happy that the all boy idea didn't pan out.  I loved dressing her, doing her hair up in girly curls and doing things, "just us girls".  Her brothers were accommodating in that they would play Barbies with her, but I really wanted her to at least have one sister.  She longed for sisters.  My brother would have 3 daughters, and my sister-in-law would have 4.  Anytime any of them were in town, they would whisk my daughter off to have that "sister" time she always wanted.  I never got the opportunity to give her a sister.

Fast forward a few years.  Britt's first baby was a girl.  Andrew's first was a girl, our delicious Makayla.  And now, Brittany and Nate are having a girl of their very own!  Girls as far as the eye can see!  I finally am getting the girls I never got.

This is not to say that I love my sons any less.  But, that is a post for another day.

Maybe

Lately I feel as though I've been taken to task for some of the things I post.  Well, slide on my size 11 stilettos and walk a few miles will you?

Maybe I write what I write because I feel as though the one person who should put me first doesn't.  Maybe I write what I write because when I look back, no one is there to say, "You can do it."  Maybe I write what I write because I work so hard to try new things just to get noticed.  And then, when the day of my performance comes they aren't there because their plans were much more important.  Maybe I write what I write because I feel like I'm playing a supporting role in my own life.

So, all is well in your life, is it?  I hope for your sake it stays that way.  I hope you always have the perfect husband, the perfect kids and that everything is as you hoped and dreamed it would be.  Sometimes I get down. I'm often frustrated.  But, I don't see that you are there for me either. 

Truth is I am a good person.  I serve my family and my friends.  I give every day of my life 100%.  Sometimes you're given a load of crap and you're just trying to deal with it the best you know how.

What a difference a day makes.

How does a mother hate her child?  I would really like to know the answer to this question.  Yesterday I became aware of my youngest brother being on Facebook.  My daughter found him.

Today, and I can only assume because he has spoken with our mother, he has stated that he hates me.  That he will always hate me and used some very colorful language to emphasize his position of hating me.

So no, not everyone loves me. 

I'm devastated, and understandably beyond consolation at the moment.

Gratitude and such

I had the opportunity to speak in sacrament meeting yesterday.  I was given Elder Russell M. Nelson's talk from April 2012 General Conference "Thanks be to God" to reference my talk on.  As I re-read the words I'd heard him speak in April, my thoughts were steering me to Gratitude. 

As I was sitting up at the pulpit and listening to the two others that spoke with me, their talks were about the Godhead.  We all had the same talk to reference for our speaking engagement.  I'm always amazed in the ways that we are directed by the Spirit in our lives.

Just the evening prior, I had gone to the temple with one of the gal's I visit teach.  I'm always so grateful to her for inviting me to go with her.  My purpose for this session was that one: I needed heavenly help with my talk, and two:  I needed to know that He was aware of me and my struggles and that He truly did love me.  I was greatly rewarded on both counts and am deeply grateful for His tender mercies.

One thing I'm especially grateful for..........my beautiful daughter is pregnant!  She and Nate are so excited to be expanding their little family.  They're really cute to watch as they make their plans and of course, those plans include some babysitting from Grandma!  I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dear son Andrew has been having a rough time.  He has had to move home, as his wife has decided that marriage and family life are not for her.  This means that Makayla is also living with us too at least 50% of the time. It's quite an adjustment for all, but, secretly nothing beats that cute little face in the morning!  She is the happiest person ever the second she wakes up in the morning!

Mark, my youngest, and the resident comedian is doing fantastical.  He's enjoying his summer vacation thus far, procrastinating starting his summer reading assignment "Tess, of the D'Urbervilles".  He's so funny every time I get on him to get started, he says, "Mom!  It's my summer vacation."  Ah, wait til he finds out summer is no different from any other day of the year.  I, as a mother however, have wanted my kids to enjoy their summers by sleeping late and whatnot.  I figure at some future time they will appreciate that I did that for them when they join the "real world".  Mark has gotten his driver's license and his Eagle project is under way.

Have a good day. :)

When will I be considered in any of this?

My husband decided to start his own "business".  I was never consulted on any of it.  He's spent upwards of $7000.00 on this business in 6 short months and it has made $0.00.  Ever see that show "Storage Wars"?  This house is busting at the gills with other people's garbage.  We apparently now are renting a storage unit to house even more of this trash.  Again, I was not consulted on any of this.  At what point is enough enough?  Why am I allowing myself to be repeatedly run over by this man?  I guess the only person that can save me here, is me.  Can you hear me now?

Life stolen

I came across a picture of my sister today.  It was one I hadn't really seen before.  And I cried.  I cried for the person she would have been if that predator had not come into our lives.  I saw the innocence lost. I found myself grieving for the person she could have been if she didn't have this horrifying thing happen to her at such a young age.  I am surprised at this many years later how angry I am over it.  Could I have done something, anything to stop it?  I miss her so much.

My personal hell

You're looking at what has become my life without my consultation, counsel, or consent. I HATE every bit of it, and that is putting it mildly.

Be very glad that you are not living this.

If I can't help me.........

then I surely have no business trying to help someone else. 

I thought that the experiences that we have in life were for us to learn from and overcome possibly We could then be that fountain of wisdom for someone else who would eventually cross our path, and we would be able to make their load lighter.  Or perhaps, shared our lantern so they could see the way more clearly, offered our hand when they stumbled.

I've recently discovered that I am in no position to be that person.  It would seem more that people are put in our path to glaringly cast a spotlight on all of our mistakes, or administer that all important, "I told you so".
In all of my efforts to make wrong things right, I've set a terrible precedent to those who unwittingly would follow me through no choice of their own.  I've conveyed the message, "I don't think I'm valuable, and you shouldn't value me either".

I know nothing.  In the grand scheme of things.  I don't see myself getting any smarter about anything.  Right now I just feel that everything I've gone through has been for not.

Someone's having a birthday...........

And has no idea what they are in for...........yet.

Oh yeah!

View from the driver's side.

That's right it's filled with balloons.

Sadly, I ran out of balloons before it was completely filled up. There's 72 of them in there.  However, just imagine dealing with this at 6:00am and you're headed for work.  What to do, what to do?

Happy Birthday, Lee!

I'm awesome like that. :)

Planking fun............................

I love, love, love my kids!!!  My 16 year old son makes for some wonderful laughs in our home.  I was uploading some photos and had forgotten about one hilarious night he and I were having with the camera.

Gotta love this kid.

Planking my exercise ball.

Planking the dining room table.

Planking my exercise step.

Planking a chair.

Planking my car in the garage.

Planking the toillette.

Planking the lawn chair.

Planking the electrical boxes out front.

Planking the cab of Dad's truck.

Planking the back of Dad's truck.

Planking the block wall.

Planking his bed.

Planking the half wall between the living room and dining room.

My Mark definitely makes me laugh.