The girls I never got.

Funny how time has a way of changing what you think you want.  Before I had children, I vacillated between not wanting any children at all to warming to the idea of possibly six.  I also thought it might be fun to be the mother of all boys, thinking my husband would take said boys on campouts and outings that were too rugged for girls.  I would have a coveted night with some girlfriends and do girly things.

Then I got my girl.  My Brittany girl.  I was so happy that the all boy idea didn't pan out.  I loved dressing her, doing her hair up in girly curls and doing things, "just us girls".  Her brothers were accommodating in that they would play Barbies with her, but I really wanted her to at least have one sister.  She longed for sisters.  My brother would have 3 daughters, and my sister-in-law would have 4.  Anytime any of them were in town, they would whisk my daughter off to have that "sister" time she always wanted.  I never got the opportunity to give her a sister.

Fast forward a few years.  Britt's first baby was a girl.  Andrew's first was a girl, our delicious Makayla.  And now, Brittany and Nate are having a girl of their very own!  Girls as far as the eye can see!  I finally am getting the girls I never got.

This is not to say that I love my sons any less.  But, that is a post for another day.

Maybe

Lately I feel as though I've been taken to task for some of the things I post.  Well, slide on my size 11 stilettos and walk a few miles will you?

Maybe I write what I write because I feel as though the one person who should put me first doesn't.  Maybe I write what I write because when I look back, no one is there to say, "You can do it."  Maybe I write what I write because I work so hard to try new things just to get noticed.  And then, when the day of my performance comes they aren't there because their plans were much more important.  Maybe I write what I write because I feel like I'm playing a supporting role in my own life.

So, all is well in your life, is it?  I hope for your sake it stays that way.  I hope you always have the perfect husband, the perfect kids and that everything is as you hoped and dreamed it would be.  Sometimes I get down. I'm often frustrated.  But, I don't see that you are there for me either. 

Truth is I am a good person.  I serve my family and my friends.  I give every day of my life 100%.  Sometimes you're given a load of crap and you're just trying to deal with it the best you know how.

What a difference a day makes.

How does a mother hate her child?  I would really like to know the answer to this question.  Yesterday I became aware of my youngest brother being on Facebook.  My daughter found him.

Today, and I can only assume because he has spoken with our mother, he has stated that he hates me.  That he will always hate me and used some very colorful language to emphasize his position of hating me.

So no, not everyone loves me. 

I'm devastated, and understandably beyond consolation at the moment.

Gratitude and such

I had the opportunity to speak in sacrament meeting yesterday.  I was given Elder Russell M. Nelson's talk from April 2012 General Conference "Thanks be to God" to reference my talk on.  As I re-read the words I'd heard him speak in April, my thoughts were steering me to Gratitude. 

As I was sitting up at the pulpit and listening to the two others that spoke with me, their talks were about the Godhead.  We all had the same talk to reference for our speaking engagement.  I'm always amazed in the ways that we are directed by the Spirit in our lives.

Just the evening prior, I had gone to the temple with one of the gal's I visit teach.  I'm always so grateful to her for inviting me to go with her.  My purpose for this session was that one: I needed heavenly help with my talk, and two:  I needed to know that He was aware of me and my struggles and that He truly did love me.  I was greatly rewarded on both counts and am deeply grateful for His tender mercies.

One thing I'm especially grateful for..........my beautiful daughter is pregnant!  She and Nate are so excited to be expanding their little family.  They're really cute to watch as they make their plans and of course, those plans include some babysitting from Grandma!  I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dear son Andrew has been having a rough time.  He has had to move home, as his wife has decided that marriage and family life are not for her.  This means that Makayla is also living with us too at least 50% of the time. It's quite an adjustment for all, but, secretly nothing beats that cute little face in the morning!  She is the happiest person ever the second she wakes up in the morning!

Mark, my youngest, and the resident comedian is doing fantastical.  He's enjoying his summer vacation thus far, procrastinating starting his summer reading assignment "Tess, of the D'Urbervilles".  He's so funny every time I get on him to get started, he says, "Mom!  It's my summer vacation."  Ah, wait til he finds out summer is no different from any other day of the year.  I, as a mother however, have wanted my kids to enjoy their summers by sleeping late and whatnot.  I figure at some future time they will appreciate that I did that for them when they join the "real world".  Mark has gotten his driver's license and his Eagle project is under way.

Have a good day. :)

When will I be considered in any of this?

My husband decided to start his own "business".  I was never consulted on any of it.  He's spent upwards of $7000.00 on this business in 6 short months and it has made $0.00.  Ever see that show "Storage Wars"?  This house is busting at the gills with other people's garbage.  We apparently now are renting a storage unit to house even more of this trash.  Again, I was not consulted on any of this.  At what point is enough enough?  Why am I allowing myself to be repeatedly run over by this man?  I guess the only person that can save me here, is me.  Can you hear me now?

Life stolen

I came across a picture of my sister today.  It was one I hadn't really seen before.  And I cried.  I cried for the person she would have been if that predator had not come into our lives.  I saw the innocence lost. I found myself grieving for the person she could have been if she didn't have this horrifying thing happen to her at such a young age.  I am surprised at this many years later how angry I am over it.  Could I have done something, anything to stop it?  I miss her so much.

My personal hell

You're looking at what has become my life without my consultation, counsel, or consent. I HATE every bit of it, and that is putting it mildly.

Be very glad that you are not living this.

If I can't help me.........

then I surely have no business trying to help someone else. 

I thought that the experiences that we have in life were for us to learn from and overcome possibly We could then be that fountain of wisdom for someone else who would eventually cross our path, and we would be able to make their load lighter.  Or perhaps, shared our lantern so they could see the way more clearly, offered our hand when they stumbled.

I've recently discovered that I am in no position to be that person.  It would seem more that people are put in our path to glaringly cast a spotlight on all of our mistakes, or administer that all important, "I told you so".
In all of my efforts to make wrong things right, I've set a terrible precedent to those who unwittingly would follow me through no choice of their own.  I've conveyed the message, "I don't think I'm valuable, and you shouldn't value me either".

I know nothing.  In the grand scheme of things.  I don't see myself getting any smarter about anything.  Right now I just feel that everything I've gone through has been for not.

Someone's having a birthday...........

And has no idea what they are in for...........yet.

Oh yeah!

View from the driver's side.

That's right it's filled with balloons.

Sadly, I ran out of balloons before it was completely filled up. There's 72 of them in there.  However, just imagine dealing with this at 6:00am and you're headed for work.  What to do, what to do?

Happy Birthday, Lee!

I'm awesome like that. :)

Planking fun............................

I love, love, love my kids!!!  My 16 year old son makes for some wonderful laughs in our home.  I was uploading some photos and had forgotten about one hilarious night he and I were having with the camera.

Gotta love this kid.

Planking my exercise ball.

Planking the dining room table.

Planking my exercise step.

Planking a chair.

Planking my car in the garage.

Planking the toillette.

Planking the lawn chair.

Planking the electrical boxes out front.

Planking the cab of Dad's truck.

Planking the back of Dad's truck.

Planking the block wall.

Planking his bed.

Planking the half wall between the living room and dining room.

My Mark definitely makes me laugh.

It's the little things.........

that you get excited about.  I've been researching, taken polls, and studied the pros and cons of having an above-the-range microwave. 

Finally, the need for much needed counter top real estate, approximately a year of research, and a wicked model closeout sale at Best Buy won me over.  Let me just say that I love it and my kitchen is now huge.

I was kidding about the huge kitchen, but, you get the gist. :)

Hunger Games

Looking forward to a little movie called the Hunger Games in March.  Have you read the books?  I read all three of them last month.  I really enjoyed them.  Not enough to replace my Twilight obsession, but enough that I'm very excited to see this movie. 

I love it when they make movies out of books.  It's funny though, when they cast the characters in the movies, I can never again picture what I thought the character looked like in my head.  Oh well, at least they pick some pretty people. :)

Touched by an angel........

I know this gal because she was in my ward when we moved here almost 5 years ago.  Then, my daughter married her cousin.  This gal was pregnant with her first child in 8 years of marriage, a blessing definitely wanted and waited a very long time for.

Tonight this gal gave birth at 38 weeks to a stillborn baby girl.  What heartbreak this little family is experiencing right now.  By extension, this heartbreak is being felt right along with them by so many.  Whether family, friend, or acquaintance (I think I fall more into the acquaintance category, as they moved to military life shortly after we got here) we have been touched by this precious angel.  This beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father.

Where I work, there is a gal who is pregnant with her first child.  After 12 years of marriage and her resignation that it probably wouldn't be a blessing realized.  She is due to give birth any day.  We are so excited for her.

I am struck with quiet reverence tonight.  For the blessing of children, and feeling like I want to hug and hold each of mine and just let the tears fall.  Tears of happiness for my children who make my life whole.  Tears of sadness for women (for we are all mothers) who's arms are empty for whatever reason and knowing that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. 

God be with you, Mihaela Jane.  

This isn't a blog.....it's a whine fest

Ugh.  I hate my blog.  I'm about to make a huge change.  I've decided I can't talk about certain things anymore. 

Today would have been my Grandma Hedberg's 82nd birthday.  She has been gone from this earth since 1981.  I still miss her so much.  She was pretty much the glue that held the family together. I hope to be the kind of grandma that she was to me.  She always seemed so happy to see us. 

Pretty much as happy as I am to see this little face.......

Oh, and she's just as happy to see mine!!!  I just love her to pieces and love that she reaches for me when she sees me, and cries when I go away.
Come to think of it, it's been a couple days.  I need a Makayla fix.  Now.

You don't know me.

Been feeling beaten down of late. Actually feeling rather alone. 

I've tried to always do what I think my Heavenly Father expects of me.  I have sought out the help of so called family only to be rejected and scorned.  It would seem as though I'm not worthy of compassion of any sort.  I've been labeled as things that I am not.  At first, it makes me angry and then, when the anger has subsided I am left with the thought, "You don't know me." 

If you really knew me, you wouldn't treat me so poorly.  I AM a good person. All I have ever done is try to help other people.  I have heard the things people have said about me when they've thought I didn't hear them.  You just don't know me.

 

Oops, I did it again.

Christmas has come and gone.  Again.  I'm going to be honest here, my Christmas was ruined.  It isn't important to you why, but it was.

I didn't get around to Christmas cards and newsletters because I didn't have the strength to put a positive spin on what I've been experiencing.  I didn't get the Christmas tree up until the Thursday before Christmas and I had to because I couldn't steal Christmas away from Mark.  He deserves the very best of me.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  This year I couldn't wait for it to be over so that I didn't have to experience the heartache of knowing that others were feeling so blessed, and it just passed me over.

No lights on the house.  No decorating of every room in the house that I've loved so much in the past. 

I got a note in the mail today saying that they missed my letter.  I am sorry.