Where do I go from here?

School is back in session.  Mark started his Senior year!  My baby!  This time next year he'll be gone on his mission.  He just completed his Eagle project a couple weeks ago and will be an Eagle Scout before the year is out.  Actually, it will be before December 5th, when he turns 18.  That last sentence was hard to write.

I am very aware of my "lasts" this year.  My last child.  All of my kids grew up way too fast.  It's hard to know what I do next.  I love being a mother.  Raising my kids, I was never more sure of who I was and what I was to be doing.

Now, I'm in a bit of a panic. 

This really has been a terrible year. I was sick for the first part of it, then my husband quit his job.  He got a new one and has been working there for about 6 weeks now.  While I've felt my Heavenly Father watching over me, I've also felt that the other shoe is about to drop.  My sense of security is no longer.  Am I responsible for that? 

I've looked into going to school, but there's just no way working a full time job.  And at this point, what would school prepare me for?  More debt?  I'd like to be able to do some of the things that I've put off while I was raising my children.  Of course, some of it I'll have to let go of entirely as I'm now too old to pursue some of those items on my bucket list.

Too bad you can't go back in time.  There are a few things I would have done differently.

Who's this mopey Moperson?

Imagine my surprise.  I didn't think anyone really read these anymore.  I got a call from a dear old friend the other evening checking to see if I was okay.  I guess if you read this blog lately you'd think that.  I sometimes write when I'm upset.  While still valid feelings, I see where it would cause alarm.

Update time.  I've been praying constantly and my prayers have been answered.  I know it wasn't just my prayers either, and I thank everyone for doing so on our behalf.  Lee got  a new job.  He just started on Monday.  I hope he will be happy there.  I've had a little bit of a hard time reading his reaction to the work.  Could be newbie anxiety or that there is a modicum of confidentiality to the work.  Maybe I'm the anxious one.

Our refi went through.  It only took 7 months and 5 days.  Yes, that long.  It was literally dead in the water and somehow came through.  Oh, and we got an even better interest rate than the one we locked in initially.  I suppose I should mention I was praying about this too.

Mark got his Eagle project!  He's gotten all of his signatures and now it's a matter of him gathering support, some funds, and a legion to carry it out on July 27th.  He will be helping out Noah Webster School on a couple of projects they need done prior to school starting in the next month. 

I have this theory of threes.  You know how people say bad news comes in threes?  Silly superstition really, but I think there is slim truth to it.  I've just given an examply of three good things that have happened.  Within a week, mind you.  I had texted a couple of friends that the next thing that happened would be bad.

Well, it was.  The IRS sent me a nice letter saying that they wanted $500.00 more to account for one of our deductions they were disallowing.  I have until the 29th of this month to pay that.  I think it's funny in light of their scandal.

Maybe next time I post, I'll have a funny to share.  ;)

I'm not a good person....

that's the only thing I can come up with.  I've made some bad choices in life and I am made to pay for them for the rest of it.  That has to be it. 

I'm incredibly lonely.

That is all.

What am I working for?

I've done a lot of crying in the last seven weeks.  I sometimes wonder if anything is worth anything.  You can work hard your whole life, and everything gets taken from you anyway. 

Yes, I'm down.  What else is new?  It's interesting that when you're down, people will kick you.  Right now, I'm not seeing a whole lot of worth in anything I've ever done.  Which really isn't anything.  I'm so angry at everything and everyone. 

I can post this.  No one reads blogs anymore.

What do I do now?

My husband quit his job today.  I'm not sure what to do.  Or if there is anything for me to do.  I feel like I've been stabbed in the stomach about 50 times. 

I've not been supportive in this decision.  I have my reasons.  And yes, I think they're damn good ones if you must know.  There is no job on the horizon.  I'm the only one working and my pay will barely cover my house payment. 

Don't even know why I'm on here.  My conference weekend was completely blown.  Shouldn't be wallowing, should I?  Well I am and I can't seem to swim out right now.

I am grateful for my babies.  Never grow up, girls.

There's a new girl in town!

I suppose I've been on hiatus long enough.  Is anyone still out there?

On January 25, 2013 at 6:47am, Makenzie Olivia Trull was born!  She was 5lbs and 14 oz and was 19 inches long.  I had previously reported to everyone that she was 20 inches long, because that's what I had been told.  Brittany had taken her for her 2 week appointment yesterday and said that she was now 6lbs and 9oz and 19 1/2 inches long.  I gasped and said, "She shrunk?!"  Brittany (looking at me like I'm a crazy lady) says, "What? She was 19 inches when she was born, Mom." 

I could have sworn I was told 20 inches, but then, I was sleep deprived.  Potato, potahto.

This is the picture that made me cry.

That look on Brittany's face as she is looking over at her daughter just kills me.  So much has brought us to this point in our lives.  The two of them looking at each other.  Oh. 

Look how tiny this gal is in her car seat!  We had a brief moment of panic in the hospital when the nurse asked the Trulls if they had a carseat.  Of course they did.  The nurse then said that most infant car seats were rated for an infant 7lbs and over.  We needed to have one rated for 5lbs.  Did we have to go out and buy a new carseat?  I ran home and checked over the owners manual and found that yes, indeed, the one they had chosen was rated at 5lbs and up. Phew!

Look at that sweet angelic face, will you?  She's got strawberry blonde hair and what looks to be like she'll have blue eyes.  She's got long piano playing fingers, and she smells so heavenly.  I tease Brittany and Nate that they better make sure she still has all her parts after I've held her to make sure I didn't bite anything cute off!  I could just eat her up!

And then there is our beautiful Miss Makayla.  She couldn't wait to meet her cousin.  Now, most two year olds would get this close to an infant and push them away.  Not this girl.  She came to the hospital and got to hold her and she never wanted to let her go.  She would ask us to get her a blanket, give me her bottle, give me her "ginkie".  She is a little mother hen!!  She was so disappointed when she got a little diaper and the wipes out of the isolette drawer and wasn't allowed to change her.  It's HER Baby Kenzie.

This is my little Mak attack.  Makayla and Makenzie.  She will go by Kenzie.  Makayla is all about this girl. 

I love my little granddaughters so much, I think my heart just may explode.

The girls I never got.

Funny how time has a way of changing what you think you want.  Before I had children, I vacillated between not wanting any children at all to warming to the idea of possibly six.  I also thought it might be fun to be the mother of all boys, thinking my husband would take said boys on campouts and outings that were too rugged for girls.  I would have a coveted night with some girlfriends and do girly things.

Then I got my girl.  My Brittany girl.  I was so happy that the all boy idea didn't pan out.  I loved dressing her, doing her hair up in girly curls and doing things, "just us girls".  Her brothers were accommodating in that they would play Barbies with her, but I really wanted her to at least have one sister.  She longed for sisters.  My brother would have 3 daughters, and my sister-in-law would have 4.  Anytime any of them were in town, they would whisk my daughter off to have that "sister" time she always wanted.  I never got the opportunity to give her a sister.

Fast forward a few years.  Britt's first baby was a girl.  Andrew's first was a girl, our delicious Makayla.  And now, Brittany and Nate are having a girl of their very own!  Girls as far as the eye can see!  I finally am getting the girls I never got.

This is not to say that I love my sons any less.  But, that is a post for another day.