What am I working for?

I've done a lot of crying in the last seven weeks.  I sometimes wonder if anything is worth anything.  You can work hard your whole life, and everything gets taken from you anyway. 

Yes, I'm down.  What else is new?  It's interesting that when you're down, people will kick you.  Right now, I'm not seeing a whole lot of worth in anything I've ever done.  Which really isn't anything.  I'm so angry at everything and everyone. 

I can post this.  No one reads blogs anymore.

What do I do now?

My husband quit his job today.  I'm not sure what to do.  Or if there is anything for me to do.  I feel like I've been stabbed in the stomach about 50 times. 

I've not been supportive in this decision.  I have my reasons.  And yes, I think they're damn good ones if you must know.  There is no job on the horizon.  I'm the only one working and my pay will barely cover my house payment. 

Don't even know why I'm on here.  My conference weekend was completely blown.  Shouldn't be wallowing, should I?  Well I am and I can't seem to swim out right now.

I am grateful for my babies.  Never grow up, girls.

There's a new girl in town!

I suppose I've been on hiatus long enough.  Is anyone still out there?

On January 25, 2013 at 6:47am, Makenzie Olivia Trull was born!  She was 5lbs and 14 oz and was 19 inches long.  I had previously reported to everyone that she was 20 inches long, because that's what I had been told.  Brittany had taken her for her 2 week appointment yesterday and said that she was now 6lbs and 9oz and 19 1/2 inches long.  I gasped and said, "She shrunk?!"  Brittany (looking at me like I'm a crazy lady) says, "What? She was 19 inches when she was born, Mom." 

I could have sworn I was told 20 inches, but then, I was sleep deprived.  Potato, potahto.

This is the picture that made me cry.

That look on Brittany's face as she is looking over at her daughter just kills me.  So much has brought us to this point in our lives.  The two of them looking at each other.  Oh. 

Look how tiny this gal is in her car seat!  We had a brief moment of panic in the hospital when the nurse asked the Trulls if they had a carseat.  Of course they did.  The nurse then said that most infant car seats were rated for an infant 7lbs and over.  We needed to have one rated for 5lbs.  Did we have to go out and buy a new carseat?  I ran home and checked over the owners manual and found that yes, indeed, the one they had chosen was rated at 5lbs and up. Phew!

Look at that sweet angelic face, will you?  She's got strawberry blonde hair and what looks to be like she'll have blue eyes.  She's got long piano playing fingers, and she smells so heavenly.  I tease Brittany and Nate that they better make sure she still has all her parts after I've held her to make sure I didn't bite anything cute off!  I could just eat her up!

And then there is our beautiful Miss Makayla.  She couldn't wait to meet her cousin.  Now, most two year olds would get this close to an infant and push them away.  Not this girl.  She came to the hospital and got to hold her and she never wanted to let her go.  She would ask us to get her a blanket, give me her bottle, give me her "ginkie".  She is a little mother hen!!  She was so disappointed when she got a little diaper and the wipes out of the isolette drawer and wasn't allowed to change her.  It's HER Baby Kenzie.

This is my little Mak attack.  Makayla and Makenzie.  She will go by Kenzie.  Makayla is all about this girl. 

I love my little granddaughters so much, I think my heart just may explode.

The girls I never got.

Funny how time has a way of changing what you think you want.  Before I had children, I vacillated between not wanting any children at all to warming to the idea of possibly six.  I also thought it might be fun to be the mother of all boys, thinking my husband would take said boys on campouts and outings that were too rugged for girls.  I would have a coveted night with some girlfriends and do girly things.

Then I got my girl.  My Brittany girl.  I was so happy that the all boy idea didn't pan out.  I loved dressing her, doing her hair up in girly curls and doing things, "just us girls".  Her brothers were accommodating in that they would play Barbies with her, but I really wanted her to at least have one sister.  She longed for sisters.  My brother would have 3 daughters, and my sister-in-law would have 4.  Anytime any of them were in town, they would whisk my daughter off to have that "sister" time she always wanted.  I never got the opportunity to give her a sister.

Fast forward a few years.  Britt's first baby was a girl.  Andrew's first was a girl, our delicious Makayla.  And now, Brittany and Nate are having a girl of their very own!  Girls as far as the eye can see!  I finally am getting the girls I never got.

This is not to say that I love my sons any less.  But, that is a post for another day.

Maybe

Lately I feel as though I've been taken to task for some of the things I post.  Well, slide on my size 11 stilettos and walk a few miles will you?

Maybe I write what I write because I feel as though the one person who should put me first doesn't.  Maybe I write what I write because when I look back, no one is there to say, "You can do it."  Maybe I write what I write because I work so hard to try new things just to get noticed.  And then, when the day of my performance comes they aren't there because their plans were much more important.  Maybe I write what I write because I feel like I'm playing a supporting role in my own life.

So, all is well in your life, is it?  I hope for your sake it stays that way.  I hope you always have the perfect husband, the perfect kids and that everything is as you hoped and dreamed it would be.  Sometimes I get down. I'm often frustrated.  But, I don't see that you are there for me either. 

Truth is I am a good person.  I serve my family and my friends.  I give every day of my life 100%.  Sometimes you're given a load of crap and you're just trying to deal with it the best you know how.

What a difference a day makes.

How does a mother hate her child?  I would really like to know the answer to this question.  Yesterday I became aware of my youngest brother being on Facebook.  My daughter found him.

Today, and I can only assume because he has spoken with our mother, he has stated that he hates me.  That he will always hate me and used some very colorful language to emphasize his position of hating me.

So no, not everyone loves me. 

I'm devastated, and understandably beyond consolation at the moment.

Gratitude and such

I had the opportunity to speak in sacrament meeting yesterday.  I was given Elder Russell M. Nelson's talk from April 2012 General Conference "Thanks be to God" to reference my talk on.  As I re-read the words I'd heard him speak in April, my thoughts were steering me to Gratitude. 

As I was sitting up at the pulpit and listening to the two others that spoke with me, their talks were about the Godhead.  We all had the same talk to reference for our speaking engagement.  I'm always amazed in the ways that we are directed by the Spirit in our lives.

Just the evening prior, I had gone to the temple with one of the gal's I visit teach.  I'm always so grateful to her for inviting me to go with her.  My purpose for this session was that one: I needed heavenly help with my talk, and two:  I needed to know that He was aware of me and my struggles and that He truly did love me.  I was greatly rewarded on both counts and am deeply grateful for His tender mercies.

One thing I'm especially grateful for..........my beautiful daughter is pregnant!  She and Nate are so excited to be expanding their little family.  They're really cute to watch as they make their plans and of course, those plans include some babysitting from Grandma!  I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dear son Andrew has been having a rough time.  He has had to move home, as his wife has decided that marriage and family life are not for her.  This means that Makayla is also living with us too at least 50% of the time. It's quite an adjustment for all, but, secretly nothing beats that cute little face in the morning!  She is the happiest person ever the second she wakes up in the morning!

Mark, my youngest, and the resident comedian is doing fantastical.  He's enjoying his summer vacation thus far, procrastinating starting his summer reading assignment "Tess, of the D'Urbervilles".  He's so funny every time I get on him to get started, he says, "Mom!  It's my summer vacation."  Ah, wait til he finds out summer is no different from any other day of the year.  I, as a mother however, have wanted my kids to enjoy their summers by sleeping late and whatnot.  I figure at some future time they will appreciate that I did that for them when they join the "real world".  Mark has gotten his driver's license and his Eagle project is under way.

Have a good day. :)