Adoption

I have been thinking about this topic for quite a long time. It has been an interesting experience thus far. I share this with you, my blogging friends and family, as a chance to share a little of the experience from my perspective.

I was adopted by my first stepfather when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I had no contact with my "sperm donor" other than a memory from my 2 year old mind. (You may find that unbelievable, but, I have confirmed this memory with those who were there)
He was only part of my life for about 5 years. He has since passed away and I was never able to reconnect with him to be able to ask the questions that my childhood would have liked answered. Did he ever think about me or wonder what happened to me in the 30 years since he had seen me? Did he love me?

I find myself very conflicted as I ponder the circumstances that led to my first grandchild being adopted. I loved this child before she was even born and my heart aches not having her in my daily life. Some will argue that these are selfish feelings that I have or that maybe I should never have bonded with her. I would not give up the short time I got to spend with her for anything in this world or the one to come. What is not understood is the deep love I felt for her before she ever breathed her first breath of air. Some days it is a deep physical pain and loss that I feel. I know, selfish, huh?

These are things that I feel I cannot or that I'm supposed to not say or feel. Much is said and written about adoptive families. I have been in close proximity to the pain that is felt of losing children or never having the ability to have them at all. I can't say that I know firsthand what it feels like, however, I think that what I feel is very close to it. I can't find anything about the birth parents or grandparents and the lingering effects it has on them. It almost seems that society would have you think that everyone goes away from the experience skipping off into their happy lives.

I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that she is happy and has a complete family that loves her with all of their hearts. I guess I wish I didn't feel like I was on the outside, looking in the window, with the curtain fluttering, giving me only tiny glimpses of moments that really aren't mine to have.

Did my father ever feel that way about me.

Where has my baby boy gone?

This is my Andrew, all of 20 years old today. Where has the time gone?


He has turned into such a strapping young man. I remember just staring at him when he was a little baby, wondering what he would look like, and who would he be.


So very handsome, and so full of cheese!


A is for "always" being a great "addition" to our family.

N is for how "nice" he is. And "neat".

D is for his "delightful" sense of humor. He always makes me laugh.

R is for his "responsible" nature. I think he came that way.

E is for always "eating". You wouldn't know it to look at him.

W is for the 20 "wonderful" years of being my "wonderful" son.

My teenaged boy is no more. I am the mother of a 20 year old? Now when did this happen? Must have been while I watched his angel face sleeping.

Happy Birthday Andrew, I love you, you're precious, you're special, Good Night.

Breaking Dawn

I finished reading at 1:30 this morning. I WILL NOT SPOIL THIS! All I can say is, "I LOVED IT!" On Friday night, I went to the "Breaking Dawn" release party at Border's here at Superstition Springs Mall. Myself, and my fellow crazies had a great time, but, I couldn't wait to read my book.

I was reading Valynn's blog a few moments ago and I saw a truly horrifying picture of myself, so I know what I will spend extra time doing now. More on that later. Anyway, I want to thank all you gals that got me into these books. I don't think there is anything I've enjoyed more, and most especially the comraderie and kindred spirits I find you all to be.

One Sweet Ride

That Brittany. She's a hard worker. Look what hard work buys these days:



My first car was a Chevy Chevette. Don't ask me what year, they don't make them anymore and chances are you won't see an old one on the road anywhere. They're all dead.



Lee and I are Toyota lovers, so we don't know where this Chevy driver comes from. Then there is our Mitsubishi driver; there's four vehicles parked at our house! I have my OWN car back, and Brit is off to work again.

It's getting so hard to wait.

Twilight Quiz by QuizRocket.com fun quizzes!
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Yes, I truly am nuts! But, I am Bella, so therefore Edward is mine, all mine!






Hopefully I will be able to say this when my nuttiness wanes!

Riley, Ri-ri, Rirey Rireson

This puppy is so very lucky that he is cute. It's amazing the carnage that this little guy can cause. The toll is this: two pairs of my shoes, 14 snap bean plants, 4 strawberry plants, 1 Ensign, 2 Rug Doctor rentals. If I am missing anything, I only need to turn to the backyard where I have found: my G's, my shoes, my nail brush, Brit's underwear, Mark's socks, and the toilet brush.

He's hiding his devious behavior behind those brown puppy dog eyes! I'm such a softie for brown eyes. His other saving grace is that he always seems to be very happy to see me and "help" me with dishes and taking out trash.

The sheer longevity of time that it has taken to house train this guy has been nothing short of frustration. I've threatened to put him in "dog diapers" and told him to "put his shoes on" as he was "pound bound".

But Beagle grandma is an old softie, therefore, he gets to stay.

Well, duh, Pa.

I didn't even see this coming. It must have creeped in so gradually that I didn't notice the subtle changes. Perhaps I should have noticed that constantly looking for my keys and losing the appropriate words in any given conversation was a symptom rather than a momentary lapse.

At this point you may wonder, "Well, she's gone and lost it, whatever is she talking about?" I think it has happened to most parents of children of a certain age. I'm stupid. I am not even "becoming" stupid, I already am. You know, where suddenly you don't have a clue about anything?

I thought this was farther in my future. I had imagined that eventually I wouldn't be able to contain the saliva in my mouth and I'd need to start wearing a bib all of the time. I wouldn't be able to walk and talk at the same time, and should I try, I would fall down.

I really thought I was getting "wiser" in my old age. I thought I was keeping one finger on the pulse of the young, incorporating what was cool, you know, I was "jiggy with it", wearing my "hater blockers" and chilling.

I have often wished that I knew what I am doing as a parent. It would appear that anything I have done thus far has been rendered useless and unnecessary. I love my kids to a fault. Perhaps that is the trap that got me here. I've tried to share my mistakes with them so that they might see for themselves how not to make the same ones. Free agency, shmee agency.

"Leave me alone" they say, or "Mom, you just don't know". The Army has the saying, "It's the toughest job you'll ever love". The Army has never been a mother, they don't know what a tough job is, and I'm fairly sure that the Army doesn't love you.

I'm gonna go find Pa, I think he may have forgotten how to breathe.