Agency and Elder Bednar.

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The word agency is bandied about quite a bit when one is making choices that are contrary to what they should. Elder Bednar came to our stake last month when our stake presidency was reorganized. Let me just say that what he had to say on the matter was very timely. To quote Elder Bednar, "Agency is not to do what you want when you will." In the instance where one has made sacred covenants to be a witness of Jesus Christ and to do His will, your agency is then to do just that. To do anything to the contrary of that once you have made those covenants is to your detriment. Therefore, yes, we do have free agency. It does not mean you can do whatever you want. I love Elder Bednar and his forthrightness. He, in my opinion is the Dr. Phil of apostles. Telling it like it is.

General Conference

To quote President Thomas S. Monson, "Hi!" I thought he was completely adorable when he did that! I learned a lot this General Conference weekend and was grateful for the pick me up. It's been a struggle these last few years for me. There are times that I feel so spiritually dead. It is not easy having a spouse who has made a conscious decision to be completely and totally inactive. It's hard to feel the Spirit when there is such an opposition in my own home to having the environment to actively have those feelings. I'm sad. I'm angry. My life is definitely not where I thought it would be at this time. I don't hold much hope that it will ever change.

And we're back.

It's been a long hot summer and I'm so happy that the temperatures are finally getting cooler. We've had another wedding! On August 16, 2011 Andrew and Jennifer got married.



They were originally going to get married in November, but, the kids called me on August 2nd and said, "we're thinking about moving up the wedding." I said, "when?", to which they replied, "August 16th". !!!!!

Well, short notice indeed, but, pulled off without a hitch. If you "follow" me on Facebook you already know that this wedding was kept a secret from everyone including Lee. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, he was there. They just wanted it be a surprise. Don't believe me? I have proof.


Don't spend too much time looking at the image of me in this photo. I have had my hair cut since Brittany's wedding and am not happy with it. Don't try to tell me it looks good, I won't believe you. Just look at the bride, the groom, the beautiful baby, and of course, the daddy.

Here's a sweet photo of the back of Makayla's head with the back of her Uncle Mark's head. I just have a thing for back of the head photos. I think it also depicts the very sweet relationship that these two have with each other.


Don't you just love those ponies? They just kill me.

Speaking of killing me. This little one does it for me. I just love her stuffing!


Again with the ponies. Being a grandma is absolutely the best! I love how when she sees me it's like, "bye Mom and Dad!" She's so excited to see me. I LOVE this girl!



I cannot get enough of her. Everything she does is cute. Even when she uses my finger to practice biting on. I just let her bite the thumb I destroyed in November of last year trying to get baby toys out of packaging. Nerve damage, don't feel a thing.



I love bringing her to church with me. I have been fortunate in that Miss Makayla's parents have let her have sleepovers at grandma's house since she was only a month old. They get some sleep, I get to spoil. It's a win win all around!

And the piece de resistance, just in from Hollywood:



Those sunglasses! That Cindy Lou Who pony! I cannot get enough of her.

Lucky me, I get to have her for a few hours tomorrow. :D

Overhaul

*****This blog is closed for maintenance. Be back soon.***********

Father's Day is coming.

I did something kinda funny the other day. It all started with Facebook. Someone on my friend list had posted a status suggesting that we change our profile pics to a pic of our dad, and to see just how many great dads there are out there. I posted this:



First of all, let me put my disclaimer out there. This post isn't meant to upset or offend anyone. It is merely me, posting MY thoughts and feelings. If for whatever reason these feelings are objectionable to you, you are welcome to discontinue visiting here.

That being said, the closer this day gets here, the more weepy I get. You see, I don't have a dad. I've never had a dad. My sperm donor was gone from my life before I even knew who he was. His gift that keeps on giving was relinquishing his parental rights so that he would never have to pay child support or so that my brother and I could go through our own personal hell of not having that someone in our lives to call dad.

Do you know what I think a Dad should be? Someone who is, first of all, present. Dad should be someone who sacrifices for his kids. Someone who puts their needs before his own and occasionally some of their wants. A Dad should be there to teach and love his children, to hug and kiss them, to hold them, to scare all of the bad things away. He should be there to impart his wisdom, and guide his kids through all of the "stuff" we all have to go through to get where we need to be in life. A dad, for a girl especially, should be there to set the bar high. A bar set high enough that she doesn't fall for the bad eggs that would seek to take from her those things that aren't for just anyone to have.

A dad, for a boy, would be that person he could emulate and learn how to be a good man and father. To strengthen that boy so that he could stand against what the world will offer as cheap substitute.

Every child should have the opportunity to have that feeling of having been sacrificed for. To know what unconditional love feels like. To have that Dad.

Instead, for Father's Day, I cry. I cry for what has never been for me and feel that someone owes me. Big.

My sperm donor is still alive. My brother and I flew him out here (on our dime, of course) so that we could meet him about 11 or 12 years ago. The fact that I still call him "sperm donor" should tell you how that all turned out. I'm not sure how one lives with oneself knowing that they have children and chose to delete them from their life. Personally I find him to be a miserable wretch of a man, who should scarcely call himself that.

I'm pretty sure the person who invented Father's Day didn't envision what this day is like for those of us who didn't have a Father. Kudos to those who have had or continue to have that father we who didn't have dreamt that we did. It's a yearning that never goes away.

Someone owes me. Big.

Love times three.

I love my children. My children know it. When Brittany was little, I used to ask her, "How do you know that I love you?" Brittany would answer, "because you tell me all the time." Sometimes I think I've loved my children to annoyance.

It's been so fun for me to see Andrew as a father. He is a very hands on father and dotes on his little girl. Makayla is very much a daddy's girl (although she loves her momma too!). He's always giving her kisses and telling her he loves her, just the way I did to him.

I love the way Mark let's me serve him. He's the baby, so I think he thinks it's what he is entitled to. He's finally grown taller than me, and I get to be a "little momma". I love that he is always picking me up, and giving me his bear hugs.

I love how Brittany tries to squirm away from me when I hug her, even now. Someday she'll miss it.

I love my kids more than my own life, and to the moon and back.

My greatest blessings call me Mom.

Can I just get some traction, please?

I have been under a self imposed lockdown. That is, I haven't pursued my friendships, nor have I created any controversy. I have been under some serious strain, though no one seems to care about that, and carrying that alone.

When I do this, it is to get back to some semblance of normalcy in my life. I move furniture to relieve stress, and I tend to become a bit of a hermit.

So, why, when I have peaked my little head out of my shell, that someone is always right there to accuse me of something? Something, anything? I have no ulterior motives, and I'm not out to hurt people. So, why are they always hurting me?

I was just getting to where I was getting some traction, moving steadily forward, and BAM!!! Misery does not enjoy company, so stop knocking on my door. Please.