Overhaul

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Father's Day is coming.

I did something kinda funny the other day. It all started with Facebook. Someone on my friend list had posted a status suggesting that we change our profile pics to a pic of our dad, and to see just how many great dads there are out there. I posted this:



First of all, let me put my disclaimer out there. This post isn't meant to upset or offend anyone. It is merely me, posting MY thoughts and feelings. If for whatever reason these feelings are objectionable to you, you are welcome to discontinue visiting here.

That being said, the closer this day gets here, the more weepy I get. You see, I don't have a dad. I've never had a dad. My sperm donor was gone from my life before I even knew who he was. His gift that keeps on giving was relinquishing his parental rights so that he would never have to pay child support or so that my brother and I could go through our own personal hell of not having that someone in our lives to call dad.

Do you know what I think a Dad should be? Someone who is, first of all, present. Dad should be someone who sacrifices for his kids. Someone who puts their needs before his own and occasionally some of their wants. A Dad should be there to teach and love his children, to hug and kiss them, to hold them, to scare all of the bad things away. He should be there to impart his wisdom, and guide his kids through all of the "stuff" we all have to go through to get where we need to be in life. A dad, for a girl especially, should be there to set the bar high. A bar set high enough that she doesn't fall for the bad eggs that would seek to take from her those things that aren't for just anyone to have.

A dad, for a boy, would be that person he could emulate and learn how to be a good man and father. To strengthen that boy so that he could stand against what the world will offer as cheap substitute.

Every child should have the opportunity to have that feeling of having been sacrificed for. To know what unconditional love feels like. To have that Dad.

Instead, for Father's Day, I cry. I cry for what has never been for me and feel that someone owes me. Big.

My sperm donor is still alive. My brother and I flew him out here (on our dime, of course) so that we could meet him about 11 or 12 years ago. The fact that I still call him "sperm donor" should tell you how that all turned out. I'm not sure how one lives with oneself knowing that they have children and chose to delete them from their life. Personally I find him to be a miserable wretch of a man, who should scarcely call himself that.

I'm pretty sure the person who invented Father's Day didn't envision what this day is like for those of us who didn't have a Father. Kudos to those who have had or continue to have that father we who didn't have dreamt that we did. It's a yearning that never goes away.

Someone owes me. Big.

Love times three.

I love my children. My children know it. When Brittany was little, I used to ask her, "How do you know that I love you?" Brittany would answer, "because you tell me all the time." Sometimes I think I've loved my children to annoyance.

It's been so fun for me to see Andrew as a father. He is a very hands on father and dotes on his little girl. Makayla is very much a daddy's girl (although she loves her momma too!). He's always giving her kisses and telling her he loves her, just the way I did to him.

I love the way Mark let's me serve him. He's the baby, so I think he thinks it's what he is entitled to. He's finally grown taller than me, and I get to be a "little momma". I love that he is always picking me up, and giving me his bear hugs.

I love how Brittany tries to squirm away from me when I hug her, even now. Someday she'll miss it.

I love my kids more than my own life, and to the moon and back.

My greatest blessings call me Mom.

Can I just get some traction, please?

I have been under a self imposed lockdown. That is, I haven't pursued my friendships, nor have I created any controversy. I have been under some serious strain, though no one seems to care about that, and carrying that alone.

When I do this, it is to get back to some semblance of normalcy in my life. I move furniture to relieve stress, and I tend to become a bit of a hermit.

So, why, when I have peaked my little head out of my shell, that someone is always right there to accuse me of something? Something, anything? I have no ulterior motives, and I'm not out to hurt people. So, why are they always hurting me?

I was just getting to where I was getting some traction, moving steadily forward, and BAM!!! Misery does not enjoy company, so stop knocking on my door. Please.

Crazy busy.

The title pretty much says it all! I know ya'll are waiting on wedding pictures and other wonderful details. The official wedding photos will be ready this coming week. We were fortunate to have my boss's son Peter Vanderstoep, who also photographs the Arizona Cardinals, be our wedding photographer. I'd like to thank the family members who took photos that day for holding off and not posting their pics so that the newlyweds can make the big reveal first. I will be sharing shortly thereafter, and let me just say, they are nothing short of AMAZING!

The wedding, you ask? Oh my goodness. It was a completely amazing day. It all started with my getting up at 3:30am on Friday, March 11th so that I could get myself together and get across town to go pick up the bride for her updo appointment. We had the same gal, Kristen, who did her hair for prom do her hair for the wedding. I took some pictures of that, should I post those? Okay.















Whoa Nelly!!! Yeah, I think that's enough of a preview on the hair. Stay tuned.

Crafty lady.

My granddaughter, Makayla is SO smart. She has tried, unsuccessfully so far, to become a thumbsucker. Anytime she gets that thumb in there, it is promptly pulled out and a binky is placed in the thumb's path. Enter Makayla.



I love this girl!!!

Happy tears.

I've had the most amazing couple of days. I'm so grateful for the tender mercies of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Yesterday I ran into Brittany's daughter, her mom, and little sister. It was just what I needed. I love my granddaughter Makayla so much, but, a part of my heart belongs to Brittany's daughter. I had an amazing visit right there in the Walmart. She is the most beautiful girl, so smart and wonderful.

I wish that everyone who is touched by adoption could have the blessed experience that we have had with it. She was adopted by an amazing family, chosen by Brittany. She has a happy family. She has brothers and a sister. She has amazing parents. My thoughts are so fractured as I try to write them because it is such a tender part of us. We love this family so much!

Because of the experience, Brittany struggled for quite some time. It's hard when you are the mom and know that you can't walk through her trial for her. You pray and hope that someday, somehow the blessings will come. You wonder what the blessings will be.

Tonight, my beautiful daughter received her temple recommend. I'm crying as I write this because I know how hard she has worked. She has a wonderful companion in her fiance, Nate. He has been there for her, supporting her, and tonight they saw that come to fruition. I'm so excited to be able to go to the temple with my daughter for her first time. She's preparing to receive her patriarchal blessing too.

I am over the moon with gratitude. As Nate said to me tonight, "God is good!" Yes, He is.