First of all, let me put my disclaimer out there. This post isn't meant to upset or offend anyone. It is merely me, posting MY thoughts and feelings. If for whatever reason these feelings are objectionable to you, you are welcome to discontinue visiting here.
That being said, the closer this day gets here, the more weepy I get. You see, I don't have a dad. I've never had a dad. My sperm donor was gone from my life before I even knew who he was. His gift that keeps on giving was relinquishing his parental rights so that he would never have to pay child support or so that my brother and I could go through our own personal hell of not having that someone in our lives to call dad.
Do you know what I think a Dad should be? Someone who is, first of all, present. Dad should be someone who sacrifices for his kids. Someone who puts their needs before his own and occasionally some of their wants. A Dad should be there to teach and love his children, to hug and kiss them, to hold them, to scare all of the bad things away. He should be there to impart his wisdom, and guide his kids through all of the "stuff" we all have to go through to get where we need to be in life. A dad, for a girl especially, should be there to set the bar high. A bar set high enough that she doesn't fall for the bad eggs that would seek to take from her those things that aren't for just anyone to have.
A dad, for a boy, would be that person he could emulate and learn how to be a good man and father. To strengthen that boy so that he could stand against what the world will offer as cheap substitute.
Every child should have the opportunity to have that feeling of having been sacrificed for. To know what unconditional love feels like. To have that Dad.
Instead, for Father's Day, I cry. I cry for what has never been for me and feel that someone owes me. Big.
My sperm donor is still alive. My brother and I flew him out here (on our dime, of course) so that we could meet him about 11 or 12 years ago. The fact that I still call him "sperm donor" should tell you how that all turned out. I'm not sure how one lives with oneself knowing that they have children and chose to delete them from their life. Personally I find him to be a miserable wretch of a man, who should scarcely call himself that.
I'm pretty sure the person who invented Father's Day didn't envision what this day is like for those of us who didn't have a Father. Kudos to those who have had or continue to have that father we who didn't have dreamt that we did. It's a yearning that never goes away.
Someone owes me. Big.
3 comments:
There are many who don't have fathers and for various reasons. Some, like yours, made choices. Eight years of working at a mental health office confirms that it is the children that suffer from those poor choices, too. Some fathers, like mine, succumbed way too early to flaws in their physical bodies. I definitely agree with you - it is a yearning that never goes away; that cannot be explained. There is a hole left that cannot be filled by anyone or anything else. So I'm glad that the fathers who do step up and fulfill their duties have a day where they can be honored. Sometime, I think I would like to get to know you. I hope I haven't invaded your privacy by reading your blog and by commenting.
I wish my Dad were still alive and he could be your Dad too. He was a Dad to a lot of other kids in your situation.
My prayers are for you.
I'm weepy about Mother's Day, but for different reasons. Maybe next year, at a time that meets between Mother's Day and Father's Day, we can get together, do lunch or dinner and watch a soppy movie and weep together.
Love you Charmen!
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