I have been thinking about this topic for quite a long time. It has been an interesting experience thus far. I share this with you, my blogging friends and family, as a chance to share a little of the experience from my perspective.
I was adopted by my first stepfather when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I had no contact with my "sperm donor" other than a memory from my 2 year old mind. (You may find that unbelievable, but, I have confirmed this memory with those who were there)
He was only part of my life for about 5 years. He has since passed away and I was never able to reconnect with him to be able to ask the questions that my childhood would have liked answered. Did he ever think about me or wonder what happened to me in the 30 years since he had seen me? Did he love me?
I find myself very conflicted as I ponder the circumstances that led to my first grandchild being adopted. I loved this child before she was even born and my heart aches not having her in my daily life. Some will argue that these are selfish feelings that I have or that maybe I should never have bonded with her. I would not give up the short time I got to spend with her for anything in this world or the one to come. What is not understood is the deep love I felt for her before she ever breathed her first breath of air. Some days it is a deep physical pain and loss that I feel. I know, selfish, huh?
These are things that I feel I cannot or that I'm supposed to not say or feel. Much is said and written about adoptive families. I have been in close proximity to the pain that is felt of losing children or never having the ability to have them at all. I can't say that I know firsthand what it feels like, however, I think that what I feel is very close to it. I can't find anything about the birth parents or grandparents and the lingering effects it has on them. It almost seems that society would have you think that everyone goes away from the experience skipping off into their happy lives.
I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that she is happy and has a complete family that loves her with all of their hearts. I guess I wish I didn't feel like I was on the outside, looking in the window, with the curtain fluttering, giving me only tiny glimpses of moments that really aren't mine to have.
Did my father ever feel that way about me.
2 years ago
4 comments:
Knowing what you know now, your aspect of adoption, I think you already know the answer. If he knew enough that you were born, then he knows enough about you, to wonder about you.
You feel how you feel, and don't let any "supposed to"-s get in the way. I have always wondered if my birth-donors ever thought about me. I have always felt like maybe they do... you can't have a baby growing inside of you and NOT get attached in some form or another. You would lack emotions.
I have a friend that gave her baby up for adoption 14 yrs ago (closed adoption)and she still wonders what the baby is doing, what she is like and is happy for her to be alive, but that doesn't mean that you can't celebrate the day that she was born. My friend's husband knows that the baby's birthday is a very quiet day in their home and they always go out to dinner to celebrate it.
I hope this helps a little. I've thought about finding out who the "donors" were, but not contacting them.
He didn't say it was going to be easy, but He said it would be worth it. We have challenges to help us grow, and the challenges that tug at the heart string the most are the refiners. Love you.
I love your thoughts. You go right ahead and feel the way you feel and talk about whatever you want. I feel like it will benefit all. You have such a sweet heart.
First of all, you are so brave for speaking your heart!
Anything that breaks your heart like that requires growth. Unfortunately, there is pain with growth. Sometimes that pain is brief, sometimes it stays with you the rest of your life. When it's the kind that stays, the coping skills are refined.
Other than that, I can't say a whole lot more than I love you.
I've raised a child who wasn't mine and am finally, now that she is gown, able to have the relationship with her I wanted years ago.
August 14th made 8 years since Decker died, and I still cry over him. The pain is still there, but my coping skills have gotten better over the years.
Again, I love you, and thank you so much for your bravery.
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